Aug 11 - 17

The following has been edited by ChatGPT:

Fifteen years ago, we moved to the country and got three acres. Something I had always wanted was my own orchard. I grew up in Grass Valley surrounded by fruit trees, so I thought, Now I can do the same.

So, I planted 100 fruit trees—every type of fruit imaginable. Eight different kinds of apples and peaches, so I’d have fresh fruit all the time. It was a great idea—except for one problem: we live in the country, which means we have about a million fruit thieves.

I’ll have hundreds of plums on a tree, but by the time they’re even close to ripe, they’re gone. I’ve tried everything and just can’t seem to win.

Last week, I spotted one lonely pluot, high up on a tree. I got a ladder and retrieved it. This was a gorgeous piece of fruit—until I turned it over and saw that the entire back side had been chewed away. To hell with it, I thought. I’ll just eat the other side. You can see where this is going.

On Tuesday, I felt really tired. Wednesday, I developed a fever. By Thursday, I was feeling awful, but I still thought it was just the flu. By Friday morning, it was clear I had some sort of infection.

I called Kaiser for antibiotics, but they told me I had to go to the ER. Off I went, where they tested me for everything—except a stool test. They sent me home and told me to bring in a sample the next day.

Proudly, I returned to the lab—only to be told I had failed because I’d put it in the wrong pouch. Ten hours later, I brought it back in the right container.

Sunday, I got the results: Salmonella. I thought, “well, at least they found something.” But it occurred to me that if those little buggers had just washed their hands, this never would have happened.

So, on Monday, I put up signs in the orchard that said “Wash Your Hands” with little bottles of sanitizer scattered around. A little education never hurts.

Folks, as of the end of this month, FlapJacks will be opening back up for dinner on Friday and Saturday nights. When I sold Sunrise, the new owner laid off much of my crew, so I’m trying to find them some extra hours.

Like before, we’ll feature different specials each week along with our regular menu items.

I’ll keep you posted.

Aug 4 - 10

New Dog in Town

You may not know this, but while we communicate by email, dogs communicate by peemail. Whenever I take Cooper and Phoebe out for a walk, they have to sniff everything. I believe it's something like Morse code. We usually move quickly since we walk the same trail to the street and back. However, there was a new dog on the road because they both went nuts sniffing and wouldn't leave certain spots. They were serious about their new communication associate. I wish I could understand their code, but since I'm often in the dark when my wife speaks to me, what chance do I have to break their code?

Jul 28 - Aug 3

In the early 1900s, the back portion of our property near the Loomis border was a plum orchard. We still have plum trees scattered around; however, I think there was a lot more going on here during the 1940s. What I believe is that they did atomic testing up here. This would be the only explanation for the size of gophers that we now have to contend with. I will go out and find 4-foot tomato plants completely missing. I have gone from 19 tomato plants to just 2, and when I water around these last 2, large holes appear. These holes are so large, as I will soon explain, they cannot be created by a 6-inch creature. I mean, these holes are the size of a riding lawn mower. Yes, that is right. In fact, when I climbed down into one of these holes, I found my old riding lawn mower deep inside. I heard some rumbling, so I immediately tried to climb out. I made it but with only one shoe.

Jul 21 - 27

You have always heard that you should never text while driving, but what you haven't heard is you should never text while walking the dog. When we walk the dog it is for the purpose of them doing their business. When you stop to text, the dog thinks it is a perfect time to do their business, but you are on your phone and oblivious to the fact that your dog has completed their assignment. So now what do you do? You may walk for hours waiting for your dog to do something, but they know they have and they are wondering what is going on. Meanwhile, you are getting panicked, which causes mental health problems, and this is why you don't text while walking your dog.