I want to thank Saint Philomene's for inviting me back to make the gravy for their big dinner. You know I have been kicked out of there twice.
Once, back in 1967, my hair was too long and the principal literally threw me out of school.
Then, a few years back, I was helping with the gravy for Thanksgiving, and I was dismissed again.
Now I heard through a rumor that it was because I was flirting with a nun. Now that was not true; we were just having a conversation. I don't remember what about.
Nov 24 - 30
Ok folks, I have a deal for you.
I am looking for a buyer for my Ford Mach-E. This is an electric Mustang and after 3 and a half years, it still has a 290-mile range. This car is special. It is fast and you can charge it right at home.
One of the benefits of this amazing car is the aroma inside. You see, I was transporting 20 gallons of Coca-Cola products and 5 gallons of root beer syrup spilled into the trunk. It soon spread throughout the entire car. So, you can imagine the wonderful aroma when driving this car.
The stickiness comes in handy when you are trying to eliminate fruit flies. I sometimes park the car near my kitchen to attract those little suckers. If you purchase this car today, I will throw in a 3-gallon tub of vanilla ice cream so you can have a root beer float. What do you say about that?
Your kids will love it.
Nov 17 - 23
Okay, right now there is much online about how aliens are being authenticated by the Air Force and many political figures. Well, I have known all along that aliens are among us because, first of all, they are in my computer. When I pay bills, my computer will suddenly start to use symbols that have never been used before. Secondly, I really think that my kids are aliens. After all, we adopted them, and we really don't know who or what their birth parents were. My son can talk for hours on end without taking a breath. Plus, he buys so many earbuds I think he is using them to communicate with other aliens. Then there is his sister, who can stare at you until you feel like you are going to melt. I keep waiting for this large light to appear over the house and start to lift it. If you don't hear from me again, you will now know why. Live long and prosper.
Nov 10 - 16
You know when you get in bed, ready to sleep, and something goes wrong, driving you crazy? Well, I have a story. My wife and I were just getting into bed when we heard her electric toothbrush start buzzing. Odd, I thought, but I got up to see if the dogs were brushing their teeth; it was just buzzing. I took it off its charger stand, but it continued to annoy. I tried turning it off, but it still buzzed. I attempted to take it apart but couldn't. I wrapped it in a paper towel and placed it in the tub, but it seemed even louder. I held it for a while, hoping the battery would die, but to no avail. Finally, I went downstairs, outside, and dropped the buzzing toothbrush into the large gopher hole I had complained about. I hoped to get a picture of him with his shiny teeth, but the next morning, I saw the toothbrush all chewed up.