Mar 2 - 8

Okay, I have told my wife that I thought Phoebe, our 18-month-old puppy, was not very smart. She says, “Noooo, Phoebe is very smart, and don’t ever say that again.”

Well, she is right, because I have been outsmarted again. Nothing new.

Phoebe likes to grab things, even right out of my hands. She will then run off with them, and I have to chase her. She watches me put on my socks and waits until I’m not paying attention, then grabs a sock out of my hand and takes off.

Okay, I can live with unmatched socks, but when she steals something important, the only way to get it back is to give her a treat. Well, now she has learned what’s important… and so now she gets lots of treats.

Now, please don’t tell my wife. She already knows that Phoebe is smarter than me. Duhhh. I just don’t want her to know how many treats Phoebe is getting.

Feb 23 - Mar 1

I have been in the coffee shop business for 49 years. In 1977, I went to work for Perko’s as a manager trainee. One of the first things the head waitress (that’s what we called them back then) said was that you always have to wash the honey packets before you give them out because they are always sticky. It seems there is always one packet per case that leaks and then gets the whole case covered with honey.

Present day, they still leak, and the honey packets are all sticky. Now, when you get a ketchup packet, you never see a leaky one. The same goes for mustard packets. So why, after all these years, do honey packets still leak?

I think the government is getting involved. I believe honey users are sweeter than non-honey users and therefore fit into a certain political party. I have no proof of this yet, but I suspect the honey attaches to our DNA and then transmits this information to a certain government branch. I have always noticed an extra router on our front wall, so this must be how they transmit it. What they do with this information—and why—might be related to the new reports about possible aliens among us. Then again, with aliens involved, maybe it’s not political at all, but about the overall sweetness of our population.

Okay, that makes me nervous.

Feb 16 - 22

I live in the country, and in our area there are lots of ponds. Consequently, we have lots and lots of frogs. Funny, I never see one, but at night sometimes it sounds like a thousand frogs croaking.

What I never understand is how all these frogs on all these different properties will croak for so long and then they all stop croaking at exactly the same time. They are not sitting next to each other saying, "hey after our 49 croaks we are all going to stop for 20 seconds."

I mean really how do they all know to stop at the same time? 

This is something that Einstein should have addressed. Honestly, who cares about particle physics. The sequence of frogs croaking could have solved many of our worldly problems. I will present this question to someone at the Berkley Physics Dept and i will get back to all of you hopefully soon.

Feb 9 - 15

I honestly feel that Cooper is my reincarnated ex-wife from a previous life. He gets so upset with me when I hug my wife, and he goes absolutely ballistic when I kiss her.

Whenever I do kiss her, he’ll come over and scratch my leg until I give him attention. There are other times when he just stares at me as if to say, "How come you don't love me anymore?" If I even make a kissing sound, he runs right over. When I sit at dinner with my wife, he sits next to me and, once again, just stares.

When it’s time for dinner, I actually have to hand-feed him, as if he’s thinking, "How dare you feed me dog food?" He always gets fresh chicken, and even then, he lets me know it’s not quite up to his standards.

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk typing, and he is staring at me. Oh my gosh, I hope he doesn't read this. If I go missing, you’ll know why!