This Covid-19 virus has gotten all of us near fanatical paranoia. So I have spent the last few days binge watching every “zombie apocalyptic” movie ever made. I now feel that I have a workable solution to all of this. First of all we must learn sign language, I will explain in a moment. Next at the front door of each restaurant I will have a stack of crosses. You know, the kind that scare away vampires. Next we will have glass bell helmets like Sandy’s from “ Sponge Bob Square Pants” (by the way if you study Sponge Bob you would see he predicted the Coronavirus almost 20 years ago). With these round helmets it is hard to have verbal conversations, that is why we need to learn American Sign Language, ASL. Now we will be able to proceed with our normal lives. Of course we will have to convert all our specials into smoothies, but that is a small price to pay for survival.
OK, folks we are trying our best to make sure no one gets sick. My email the other day discouraging patrons from coming in seems to be working and if we are not too busy and customers have space about them I think we can get by. Again, please stay home if you feel ill. I feel for all of us who have allergies, and have to constantly explain, “No, really it is just an allergy.”
We will laugh about this one day, it might be in heaven or hell but we will laugh about this.
Mar 9 - 15
This is what it is like to have a son who is on the autistic spectrum.
Dad, I need a guitar. I found one on Amazon
Son, you have 10 guitars, you don’t need another guitar.
Dad, you don’t understand, I need this guitar.
Son, you have every guitar imaginable
DAD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I NEED THIS GUITAR.
Son, why do you need this guitar?
Dad, you wouldn’t understand.
Ok son, we will look into it.
When dad, when will we look into it?
When we have time.
We have time now dad.
No not now.
When, dad?
Tomorrow, we will look into it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, right dad?
Yes, tomorrow.
Dad, when are we going to look into my new guitar?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, dad?
Yes, definitely, tomorrow.
We are going to look into my guitar tomorrow, right dad?
Absolutely, tomorrow.
Ok, so we are going to look into it tomorrow, right dad.
Yes.
Dad, what time tomorrow are we going to look into it?
As soon as I get home from work.
We could do it before you go to work.
I get up awful early and it would be easier if we do it when I get home.
Ok, dad, we will do it when you get home tomorrow. Right dad?
Yes, son, we will do it when I get home from work tomorrow.
When you get home from work tomorrow, right dad?
Yes, when I get home from work.
So, tomorrow when you get home from work, right?
Yes.
You know dad, I could get up real early and we could do it before you go to work.
No no no, that would be too much trouble, we will just do it when I get home tomorrow.
Ok, dad, when you get home tomorrow.
Yes, when I get home tomorrow.
Tomorrow, right dad?
Yes, tomorrow.
You know dad, we will have time after dinner tonight, can we do it then dad?
Son, do you have it pulled up on Amazon?
Yes, dad. All you have to do is hit this button.
Ok then, Done. It is ordered and we don’t need to discuss it any more.
Great dad, when will it get here?
Will it be here tomorrow.? Will it be here early? What if the truck breaks down on the way?
Dad, what do we do then?
And some of you may wonder why I planted my own vineyard.
Mar 2 - 8
I was going to use the Coronavirus excuse to get out of going to a kids birthday party, but my wife said that was unethical. Darn, I never should have married an ethical woman.
When you raise special needs kids you go through childhood endlessly. So, our kids got some “ant farm” presents again. This whole scenario sounded familiar, so I looked through the archives and this is a story I wrote about “ant farm” presents 6 years ago. So this is a redo.
“I am not sure who bought them, but one of the presents my children each got for Christmas was an ant farm. We of course had to order the ants and they just came yesterday. These are those large fire red intimidating ants that look like they could eat you if they got a chance. After dinner my wife yells to me to hurry upstairs. I get there to see these red ants quickly scurrying in all directions on the carpet. My wife is screaming for me to catch them, my daughter is screaming to not harm them and me just trying to head them off before they get to my side of the bed. It turns out they are easy to catch because they attack any living thing and so if you put your finger down they immediately latch on. The trick was trying to get them off.”
Feb 24 - Mar 1
Today we celebrated my brother’s birthday. Oddly enough, everyone thought he was 70 years old. Well… I am 4 years younger, which laughingly would put me at 66. So obviously they must be wrong. Maybe he turned 55, or possibly 59, but definitely not older. Ok, ok, so he reached his sixties, but he couldn’t possibly be in his late sixties. If by chance, he really was 70, maybe I was born much longer than 4 years after him, like 14 years after him. Yes, that makes the most sense. I was born 14 years after my old brother, which puts me at 56. I can live with 56. Please, don’t tell him about this blog, it might hurt his feelings.